I’ve been mulling over a situation that happened to me several times recently, and this morning I thought it’d make a good post. This situation is about toxic people publicly digging at you under the guise of “just kidding” and not having the boldness to reply the way that felt right at the time, opting instead for a more polite reply so as not to make waves.
From bullies to people we never hear from online unless it’s to pedantically correct our grammar or laugh at our missteps, here’s a piece on acting your truth.
Part I: The Situation
I’d shared a blog post I’d written on Facebook, and my wife commented that she wanted to share it but couldn’t. I commented back saying I wasn’t sure why not. I was aware that Facebook had changed some things and that posts needed to be public in order to be shareable, but my confusion was that I thought I’d already set my posts that way.
Within five minutes of that, enter our subject. He clacks his keyboard with his tongue about as far into his cheek as possible without a hospital visit, remarking at how humorous it was that a “big marketing guy” like me was still struggling to figure out Facebook. Then, more condescendingly than to be helpful, he explains what to do.
I must’ve stared at that screen for twenty unbroken seconds grinding my teeth a little bit, not only because he was misreading my being confused, but because this was his pattern. This is the only kind of comment I’ve ever received from this person, and from what I’ve seen, pretty much the primary way he communicates with everyone else when he’s not promoting himself in some way or another.
This was the straw that broke the camel’s back with this person.
My first instinct was to simply explain that I was aware posts needed to be public, but realized how hollow that sounded, that despite being true, sounded like being embarrassed and trying to cover my ass.
My second impulse was to match his sarcasm, replying that I’d missed hearing from him and was glad to create a scenario he could patronize someone since that was clearly the prerequisite to receiving a comment.
Of course I deleted that one prior to hitting enter.
Clashing with someone else in the business community followed by a lot of people probably isn’t a good idea, I told myself. But this self-censoring is part of a larger issue for myself and a lot of people, I realized later.
Part II: The Takeaway
It’s not that in retrospect I wish I’d been an asshole and said the very sarcastic remark I’d first thought of. It’s that I live too much of my life through fear, as do many people. If I’d genuinely decided against saying certain things because I thought, “That’s not me,” it’d be fine.
My fear of clashing with someone with a lot of eyes on them was silly and misguided for two reasons.
- He was already clashing with me, and his followers could see that. My inadequately defending myself was also seen by those people. Those eyes I was afraid to look bad in front of? Just did.
- Truly being assertive means standing your ground even against someone better known than you. Because an asshole is an asshole, and I have no use for bullies.
If I could go back and do it again, I’d probably split the difference and reply with something like, “That’s not really the issue, thanks. But hey, since we’re commenting about each other’s skill sets, something you could improve upon is understanding the context of your own comments and realizing that when you literally only comment to make someone else small it makes you look like a huge douche.”
It calls out his toxic behavior, and while it also makes me look like a bit of a jerk myself, here’s the thing.
These kind of glib comments rely on a person being able to spout off, get a quick dopamine hit, and move on with no consequence. People can still respect you even if they think something you just said was less than diplomatic in response.
There is a time for pulling your punches, turning the cheek, and being a bigger person. And when it’s one of those times, mouthing off makes you look like the bad guy. But I’m a believer that other times what a bully needs is to be stared down. Their BS exposed.
Because if there’s one thing most bullies understand it’s human behavior… well enough to know that most of the time if they say things the right way they can still hurt someone and walk away like a boss, and every witness will chalk it up to “not worth it.” For that kind of person, that’s a win. They feel good and nothing happens.
As trite as it may sound to tell anyone “be yourself” these days, as someone who has struggled with a lot of social anxiety and self acceptance over the years I’ve learned one thing to be certain. Self truth is really all there is, all you have, and every moment we spend with this nonsense takes away from the joy in life. Sometimes the best way to do that is to give ourselves permission to be pissed off for a moment and tell someone we’re sick of their shit. And then it’s over, and everything is better for it.
I’ve had a lot more regrets over the years over stuff I didn’t say and wanted to than stuff I said that went too far. That’s probably in part because I generally choose my words carefully, but I think there’s also a lesson in that.
Caveat: We can always strive to improve ourselves and still be ourselves; “being ourselves” isn’t a license to be an asshole just because. However, when being true to our character feels threatened by the need to “not make waves”, if we’re honest with ourselves usually the waves aren’t that big.
Your social media experience is something you can largely control. Who you’re connected to, where you focus your energy, and what degree of nonsense you allow to continue. Some people are assholes without putting a lot of conscious effort into it, and if you check them and let them know you won’t accept it they may stop. Either because they’re sorry or simply that you’re not a fun mark anymore.
And if all else fails, the more obvious question: why are we even connected to people like this in the first place? Delete.
I can definitely relate 100%. I have been bullied my entire life. Because of my looks, my race, my being a better friend, my professional success. The bullies will find anything and everything to put one down to elevate themselves.
As an adult I thought it was over, the tourture of emotiinal abuse. But its still happening today at my office building. My bullies are jelous of my success and im the wrong color. It blows my mind how this is still happening as i am almost 50 years old. Surely this cant be. Ive spoken to the building manager and i have to wait till their lease is up as she has assured me it wont be renewed due to their aweful behavior. But there are others who have joined their attitude that will be staying. Its so bad my boyfriend bought me a gun.
So, ive tried to kill them with kindness as my mother would say…turn the other cheek. But now i just ignore them and avoud them. One tried to confront me and i wasnt even there. Never met the woman but she sure had an agenda as she cursed outside my office door.(i had to put up a camera).
As far as oppinions go, if you have an opinion on another persons life….you are being judgemental especially if you were not being asked for that opunion and therefore should keep it to yourself.
In reading your post, it made me think about the changes I’ve made and I’m still working on making and my life over the past year or two. That being that I have made comments in the past either jokingly or out of sincere concern for someone only to have a come back and bite me in the ass. I don’t know how to State my thoughts and opinions eloquently, that’s just right from the heart but apparently being so blunt is not well accepted most of the time. One case in point that I’m struggling with is a close friend of mine who has MS and basically has no use of his legs anymore and it’s extremely hard for him to get around and do anything. Unfortunately he has a tendency to have a lot of junk old tractors old lawnmowers Etc around his house that he keeps for spare parts. But unfortunately because of his medical condition being able to fix a lawn mower or an ATV or whatever when it’s broke down is virtually impossible for him to do, therefore when he needs to use something he can’t because it’s broken needs to be fixed first. I want so badly to say to him why don’t you take all this junk down to the junkyard take that money and put it towards buying a brand new lawn tractor that you don’t have to fix every time you want to use it. But he does not like people telling him what to do or what they think he should do and because I do not want to put any hurt in a relationship I keep biting my tongue and keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself. Because of hurt feelings in the past from people friends and family of things that I’ve said her comments that I’ve made now when I want to make a comment to something I stopped myself think about it for a while and then most always just declined to make any comment and let it slide. I figured my opinion isn’t going to make any difference and most likely people don’t really care about my opinion anyway so best to keep my mouth shut and keep my thoughts to myself.